Jane and Michael start off Chapter 47 moaning and groaning! Michael asks if Jane thinks it’ll fit; Jane tells Michael to be gentle with her box…because they’re moving into their new house. PSYCHE! It’s a flashback, two days before the end of the last episode and Jane and Michael are still #docblocked when it comes to sex. Fast-forward to the present, Michael’s cleared for takeoff and he and Jane are doing their level best to get from the doctor’s office to bed—heck, a shed!— when Rogelio and his Tiago Team show up to decorate the Cordero’s new home. Then, Xiomara and Abuela drop by, too. Isn’t anybody thinking these married newlyweds might want to spend some sexy time alone?
Nope, everyone’s too busy thinking about themselves. Rogelio is bummed because the networks think Tiago: A Través Del Tiempo sounds like Quantum Leap and makes less sense. Xo is preparing for her audition on a show not unlike The Voice. And Jane has to get a new chapter in to Professor Donaldson quick and in a hurry. So Jane sets up her laptop and begins taping an interview with Abuela. Turns out, Abuela’s estranged sister, Cecilia, looks EXACTLY like Jane (probably because they’re both played by Gina Rodriguez). Cecilia and Alba haven’t spoken in 40 years because Cecilia told the family that Alba wasn’t a virgin (you’ll remember she shared this tidbit on Alba’s wedding day, during the ceremony).
After Abuela leaves JANE AND MICHAEL HAVE SEX! It was 9:07 pm, EST. I looked at the clock. But for all the rockets taking off and flowers glistening, it wasn’t quite what Jane expected. In fact, it was a little anti-climactic (pun intended). I’m #TeamMichael, but tell me you weren’t thinking the same thing I was thinking: Rafael would have turned that flower out! Rafael looks like a Scorpio. Scorpios are freaks.
Not only was Jane’s first time meh, she accidentally recorded her dull deflowering and sent it to Professor Donaldson! Professor Donaldson doesn’t like Jane’s new chapter or her sex tape. Jane explains it was her first time and Professor Donaldson’s response gives Jane her first inkling that that’s not how sex is supposed to be and also an idea of what’s been missing from her writing.
And Jane has had no one to process this momentous occasion with. She texted Xo, but Xo never got back to her. Jane confides in Lina.
Michael and Rafael are at the police station. Rafael…Rafael…where have I heard that name before? Oh, yeah, HE’S A CHARACTER ON THIS SHOW! You would hardly know it from this episode. Rafael exists in this moment for Michael to ask him about his family (for a second, though, I thought Michael was going to tell him about sex with Jane—whew!), which segues to Rose and Luisa, 20,000 leagues under the sea (or at least swimming in circle around the Great Barrier Reef.) Turns out ROSE WAS SUSANNAH THE WHOLE TIME. I guess. No, I don’t guess. Jane the Virgin Writers, how was Rose Susannah all along, when Rose confronted Susannah in the hospital after Luisa’s fake car crash? How Sway?
Anyway, I’ll tell you who wasn’t faking orgasms, Luisa, that’s who because she and Rose had sex 156 times. Must be the cabin pressure. Luisa asks if the submarine can ascend so she can see if she got a birthday email from Rafael. Rose is wearing this butter-soft, mustard-yellow leather moto jacket that I need in my closet right now and asks Luisa for the fifty billionth time to leave everything behind and run away with her. After Luisa gets Raf’s birthday email, she realizes she can’t leave her brother behind forever. Rose suggests a plan where Luisa goes back to Miami and tells the cops everything she’s found out since being on the submarine. Luisa says she needs to see Rose’s kill-list first.
Xo didn’t get a call back from The Voice even though she had a great backstory as a sexy, singing grandma. She’s down and thinking she’s missed her chance at a singing career. She’s even written a list of non-singing careers she could pursue: real estate agent, hair dresser, event planner. Jane spots the list and calls Rogelio and asks him to do something to cheer Xo up. Ro promises to call in favors from his celebrity friends—he even considers asking Gayle to ask Oprah—just as soon as he gets back from HOLLYWOOD with Dina the writer, where they’re pitching an American version of The Passions of Santos to—wait for it—THE CW (“A superhero for every day of the week, you guys are brilliant!”)! The CW execs love the idea, only with Rob Lowe as the star. Please, please, please let this happen, please let Rob Lowe guest on JTV as Santos!
Jane has been channeling Abuela’s sister Cecilia while working on her thesis and her hot great-aunt Cecilia offers some advice about “sexity sex-sex” while seductively eating a banana. She tells Jane to seduce her man. Jane, who knows how to salsa, write explicit sex fantasies, and sext—all sexy things from the last two seasons that might have gotten the ball rolling—brings home some “wild and sexy” gel that ends up burning her flower and ruining another attempt at lovemaking with Michael (“It feel like wasabi down there!”) Michael and Jane just can’t get out of their heads in bed. (Call Rafael, Jane, ‘cause he’ll do the things your man won’t.) (I’m just saying.)
Rogelio calls in a huge favor, a favor that was 20 years in the making, and GLORIA AND EMILIO ESTEFAN show up at the Marbella to hear Xo sing. (I didn’t see Rafael there. Maybe he was babysitting Mateo. And where were Petra and Petranezka? Maybe Yael Groblas was getting ready for her appearance on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend later this season. I digress.) Xo tells Gloria and Emilio that maybe it’s time to move on from her dream of being a singer and they seem to think maybe that’s a good idea. Jane tells GLORIA ESTEFAN, “I need you to stay out of this Gloria Estefan!” Miss Gloria gives her a serious side eye and Jane realizes she needs to check herself.
Outside, Jane tells Xo her first time wasn’t so great. Xo thinks Abuela put too much pressure on Jane about her flower and tells Jane to relax because eventually she’ll find her groove with Michael. I like the way the writers address how objectifying virginity can be detrimental to a healthy attitude about sex. Jane was swimming in orgasms when she was doing everything-but-the-act with Michael, but now she’s struggling with guilt about sex even though she’s married and has a child. Jane goes home to find Michael going over every frame of their sex tape like the detective he is, looking for ways to satisfy Jane. It turns them on and they have healthy, happy sex that takes them around the world and sends them shooting through the sun. I take that to mean it was a mutually satisfying experience for both of them.
No longer sexually frustrated, Jane writes a wild story about Cecilia and Abuela, that turns out to be true: Cecilia was in love with Abuela’s fiancé and was trying to sabotage the wedding by telling everyone Alba was not a virgin. (This reminds me of the Celia telenovela on Netflix, where Celia Cruz’s sister Noris was jealous of Celia’s talent and tried to destroy her career before it started. 80 episodes; I hope to be fluent in Spanish when I finish.)
Luisa comes back to the Marbella and tells Michael and Rafael everything, which she would have done whether she’d chosen to leave Rose or whether she’s going along with Rose’s plan; we just don’t know. Rose killed Derek (yay!) and took the $200 million. Luisa says Rose also killed Rafael’s mother, Elena, but Raf is sure his mother is in a maximum security prison. Michael calls the prison just as Elena is uttering her last words and shoving a book at the door. Dun Dun DUN!
I give this eppy a B+. I liked the plot and the pacing; I don’t think they’ve figured out how to juggle all the characters in this new dynamic of Jane being married to Michael just yet. And I think they could have spent a little more time on Jane realizing how attached she was to her identity as a virgin so we could have seen her understand her ambivalence about letting it go. And would it have hurt to let Gloria Estefan sing a note? Just one? I would have been #Estehappy.
To Be Continued…