Jane the Columnist: Chapter 62
Episode rating: 8
Isn’t it a little weird that this whole show is about what Jane does with her flower?
OK, Young Jane Villanueva used to have nightmares about her flower. Like, her flower had teeth and used to laugh at her. Yikes. Seriously. I could see how that might prolong her virginity. But despite her amazing no-sex, all-nighter with Fabian, Jane is totally chill about the whole sitch ( that’s what the kids say these days). Jane’s Dude-Bro of an editor calls and tells her Cosmo OnLine wants her to write a column about being a 28 year old widow reentering the dating world. Jane is totally ready to get her Carrie Bradshaw on. I think this was a little too pat; Jeremy didn’t even flinch at asking her to monetize her thoughts about her widowhood. Still, I like Jane’s big flower pin. Raf brings the Mateo back to Jane’s while she’s working on her new column. He’s got the twins and they are adorable, just like their mother.
Xo and Ro tell Jane they’re getting married. They’re planning an uncharacteristically small wedding.
Chuck is driving Petra to Pensacola. Chuck has no charger so Petra has no phone! Danger, y’all! Chuck drives her eight hours out of the way and takes her to some crappy hotel. Chuckto get some grub and Petra finally plugs in her phone and hears Rafael’s “I love you” message. Meanwhile, Sexy Detective Dennis tells Raf that J.P. IS CHUCK! Raf calls but PETRA DOESN’T ANSWER because she thinks it’s about his love and not that fact that CHUCK IS GONNA KILL HER!
Jane is expecting a romantic night with Fabian, but he wants to play teacher and student, and not in a good way. He wants Jane to play book club and Jane wants him to want her for more than her mind. Fabian decides he wants to MAKE LOVE TO JANE right that minute! What?! I mean, yes, please, give Jane’s flower some water, but that was a frickin’ neck-snapping turnaround from last week, right?
Jane goes to the bathroom to regroup and Abuela calls to tell Jane Mateo had a nightmare. When she goes back out to tell Fabian HE IS BUCK NAKED and he is Mr. Big. Hey! Jane leaves. Jane—after three years without sex—leaves to go comfort a child who is safe in the loving arms of his great grandmother. Arrrghhh!
When Jane gets home, Mateo tells her the kids at school told him he’s artificial and he wants to know where babies come from. She tells him about the mommy and daddy’s “special hug.” Then bad-assed Mateo goes down to the playground giving girls special hugs so he can make a baby with his pre-school friends. When Jane tells him that’s not the move, he asks how he was made. Jane suggests ice cream.
Chuck goes to take a shower and Petra looks for something to wear. While she’s going through Chuck’s gym back she finds a she’ll bracelet that she connects to Scott’s rotting corpse just as Rafael texts her that Chuck is really J.P., THE POSSIBLE MURDERER OF SCOTT! Petra stay getting trapped in the everglades in a crappy cabin/motel with some homicidal maniac (Roman Zazo, anyone?)! Petra hits him with a bottle and runs. Chuck chases her. Turns out Scott was blackmailing Chuck. And the only reason Chuck has been acting nervous and twitchy is because CHUCK LOVES PETRA! EVERYBODY LOVES PETRA! Chuck gets arrested and taken down to the station to talk to Sexy Detective Dennis. Chuck’s seems innocent and he tells the police about a woman he met on the beach who might have something to do with Scott’s murder.
JANE SHOWS UP AT FABIAN’S HOUSE WITH NO DRAWERS ON AND HIS ABUELA IS THERE! Jane is forever running to have sex with no drawers on and getting caught. Remember Professor Hottie? It’s nice that Fabian is so serious about Jane. See, even though the JTV writers are trying to be sex-positive, they’re not just gonna let Jane bed just anybody.
There’s a Sex and The City send-up and ANDREA NAVEDO DOES A GREAT SAMANTHA! The Villanuevas listen as Jane decides to break up with Fab. Xo and Ro are planning a courthouse wedding. Xo really wants a big wedding, but she doesn’t want to remind Jane of hers. Sad. Jane eventually tells them she wants to celebrate.
Jane goes to break up with Fab and he claims her on international TV. He couch-jumps (whoever wrote this episode really likes the late 90’s). Jane checks Fab for saying she was his lady and they have a big fight. OH, GOD PLEASE LET THEM HAVE MAKE UP SEX.
Raf and Jane tell Mateo the story of his conception. Mateo says, “Oh, my gosh!” Mateo falls asleep and Jane and Raf text so as not to wake him up. Jane invites Raf to Ro’s telenovela blessing, but Raf is going to have dinner with Petra and the girls. Jane is kinda catching feelings in this scene. Hmmmm.
At the telenovela blessing, Fab tells Jane that the couch jumping video went viral and now he needs her to act like his girlfriend. They fight.
Alba and Jorge (yay, they’re still together! He’s still in the country!)—OH MY GOD, JORGE JUST SAID “I LOVE YOU” TO ALBA—they’re about to kiss, and Jane ruins the moment! As I was about to say, Alba and the Latin Lover Narrator are really laying it on thick about JTV being a telenovela and how much everyone love telenovelas so they are obviously setting up a new love triangle with a fake relationship chaser.
Fabian—BODIES ON BODIES!!!!!!!!!!!!! Jane is about to get busy, but she feels guilty. Xo, the great lover of sex, tells Jane to go get busy. They bang all around Fabian’s apartment. JANE HAS SEX! But she doesn’t spend the night. Playa, play on!
Jane calls Raf to tell him about the good sex. He has to go because he’s with Petra. He realizes Petra knows he loves her. He asks Petra to say yes to love when there is a knock at the door. It’s sexy Detective Dennis with a composite of the woman Chuck saw on the beach when he was not killing Scott. Petra and Raf gasp. dun Dun DUNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well, this was a pleasant return to form: hijinks, misconnections, professions of love—and JANE HAD SEX!!! I even thought Fabian was a little cute this episode. There were some sudden tone shifts but the JTV writers just poked fun at themselves so it was ok. They’re still underutilizing Rogelio (and Dennis!) and Sin Rostro is still free. It’s my guess that the picture Det. Dennis shows is of Rose.
Jane’s totally over Michael. Mateo doesn’t even seem to remember him. Dag.
To Be Continued…
Let me know what you think,