Jane the Flirt: Chapter 59 Recap & Review #JaneTheVirgin
Love is in the air in the Villanueva household. Abuela is seeing her Boo-Thang Jorge in breakfast foods and Jane has a flirty blue dress on. Xiomara is feeling low about her break up with Bruce but since the writers did everything but sew Xiomara and Rogelio together with industrial strength thread last episode, I’m pretty sure Xo won’t be single long. What’s up with the Latin Lover Narrator’s intro tease about Jane’s three loves: Michael, Rafael and somebody we don’t know? Still, it’s been 3 years, six months and 42 days since Michael died (yawn) so let’s let Jane see some action, shall we?
Mateo, who has a lot of demands for a four year old with no job, wants his yellow raincoat for show and tell, but can’t find it. Jane figures he left it at his daddy’s house so she hightails it over to Rafael’s to pick it up. Rafael’s house…hm….what’s going on in Rafael’s house? RAFAEL IS IN BED WITH PETRA! They try to play it off like a one-time thing because they were just drunk and vulnerable, but , come on, the way Raf scooped Petra up and as she coiled her legs around his narrow, but powerful waist…whew, lawd. And they did it THREE TIMES Jane finds Petra in the closet like she’s in the middle of an R. Kelly song!
Petra does the walk of shame to her office and Detectives Dennis and Dana are waiting for her. They know —OMG, CHRIS ALLEN LIKED A PRO-DETECTIVE DENNIS TWEET OF MINE ON TWITTER *swoon*— that Petra moved the bones. They offer her a deal in exchange for telling them Anezka’s whereabouts. Petra swears she hasn’t talked to her sister in three years. Sexy Detective Dennis tells Petra to handle it.
Xo is keeping her break up from Rogelio, who’s focused on his screen-test for his new telenovela, Los Viajes de Guillermo. Ro just needs to get out of his De La Vega Factor Factor contract, only Bruce isn’t really in the mood to talk to Ro. The deal is shaping up to be everything Ro wants, but he needs to talk to Bruce to make sure everything is ok.
At Mateo’s school, Jane thinks Alex the Aide is hitting on her but she’s wrong. Awkward! Alex tells Jane he is not interested in her at all and hobbles off in front of Rafael. Awkwarder! Rafael takes Jane out to get her flirt on at the Marbella. Turns out Rafael’s flirting radar is a little off because he thinks Petra is sweating him after their night of sexing. (Like Petra needs Rafael. Rafael oughta feel blessed and highly favored that Petra slept with him).
Jane, Raf, and Petra make the oddest threesome ever and go to the Fairwick to help Jane get her groove back. Raf thinks Petra’s putting moves on him, but she’s just trying to make Chuck jealous. Jane flirts with a cute Ryan Gosling-type but then discovers a dead husband is the exact opposite of an aphrodisiac. Rafael and Petra are dancing on that fine line between lovers and friends and Rafael’s about to cross it. Nobody gets laid and the three of them make the #WalkofLame back home.
Jane and Detective Dennis are kicking it at the gym. DENNIS BROKE UP WITH HIS FIANCE BECAUSE SHE CHEATED ON HIM! DENNIS IS FREE! DETECTIVE DENNIS IS FREE! Did I mention he liked my tweet? (Let me just say, I low-key stalked Chris Allen on the ‘gram and he is a family man and a man of faith, so I will put a stop to the covetousness in my heart.) (I will try.) DENNIS ASKS JANE OUT! I totally loved the text-drama between the two of them; that’s just how it is when you’re texting someone you like but don’t know if they’re interested.
Xo and Bruce sort their things, and Bruce tells Xo he is not going to jump every time Rogelio calls texts and tweets. That’s right, Richard Chivara, go on to your new show on CBS, Mission Control. When Ro, Xo, and Bruce all go to court together, Bruce spills the beans about his break up with Xo and resigns from Ro’s case. But Ro needs to be finished with this drama now. Xo confesses she loves Ro and they kiss.
KRISHNA IS GAY! #PETRA&KRISHNA #LOVEISLOVE!
Jorge and Alba and Jane and Dennis all wind up at mini-golf together. Jorge and Alba hide from Jane and get caught making out in the cave behind the mini-golf Eiffel Tower. I love the way Alba says “mini-golf.” Jorge knows he should have taken her somewhere else. DETECTIVE DENNIS HELPS JANE WITH HER MINI-GOLF STANCE. Chile, he turns mini-golf into the karma-sutra! Jane runs to the bathroom. Jane calls Raf from the bathroom. Raf advises Jane to just tell Dennis. Dennis and Jane are so cute and perfect for each other. DENNIS GOES BACK TO CHEATING-ASS LINDSEY?!
Petra tries to win Chuck back by riding the bull and knocks her tooth out. YAEL GROBGLAS PEOPLE! Back at the Mirabella, Rafael tells Petra she looks cute with a missing tooth and his heart glows. Be careful Rafael, GLOWING HEARTS STOP BEATING ON THIS SHOW. Chuck shows up and puts the kibosh on that.
PETRA CONTACTED ANEZKA! She told Anezka to go dark and promised to put money in her account. Dennis and Dana snooped on that communication like a Russian at the DNC.
ABUELA GOT SOME?! Claro que no! But she wanted it.
And just like that, Xo and Ro are back together. Having sweaty car sex. Ro owes a ton of money, but he’s happy because he’s back with Xo. That’s good because his new co-star is oiled, shirtless and younger than Ro. I lol’d when Fabian came out and Ro was like, “Whaa?”
THEN JANE’S VAGINA GLOWED! Because she saw Fabian.
I’m going to give this episode an 8 (if Jane had nailed Dennis, it would have been a 9). There was freshness to this episode; we finally got to new territory. We’ve never seen Alba in love or Rafael pining for someone other than Jane. Jane’s first date of her widowhood felt awkward and right and it was perfect that it was with someone who cared about Michael. The writers handled this well and I'm ready to move on with Jane. ALSO, PETRA ON A MECHANICAL BULL.
Maybe next week, Jane will get to ride.
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