Catalina is still crashing at Jane and Michael’s apartment. She's waking up Baby Mateo with her French phone calls, eating Mateo’s teething biscuits, being condescending, and sleeping with Rafael! There is nothing worse than a relative who overstays her welcome.
Jane goes to Abuela’s and complains about Catalina to Rogelio and Xiomara. THEY EAT WHOLE BOXES OF HONEY BUNCHES OF OATS. Xo advises Jane to stop being subtle and tell Catalina to get out. Abuela comes in and asks Jane if she wants to go to church. Jane can’t because she's busy. Jane? Too busy for God? Abuela is not having it. She reminds Jane that Jane is responsible for MATEO’S SOUL and heads off to the House of the Lord. Like the Latin Lover Narrator said, “Damn Jane you just got Abuela-ed!”
Xiomara makes to leave so she can go meet...er…the…uh…electrician—yeah, That’s the ticket! Ro calls her bluff and tells her he knows she’s back with Bruce. Xo asks Ro not to say anything because Jane hates Bruce (I call B.S.; Xiomara knows damn well Bruce is a bad habit and that’s why she’s sneaking around!). Xo tells Ro she knows it must be hard for him to see her with someone else; Ro is like, “Go ‘head on with your measly one lover, I’ve hundreds of women lined up to meet me.”
And he does—Ro has enlisted the services of Darci Factor, a Patti Sanger-like m̶a̶t̶c̶h̶m̶a̶k̶e̶r̶, er, love dealer, to find him a woman with some fresh eggs and a hankering for Rogelio. Rogelio has demands: she must be fertile, fine, social media savvy, and comfortable with…sharing his penis. The JTV writers are going in on this full frontal nudity thing with Rogelio. I hope it turns into something really big for him.
Jane is watching Alfred Hitchcock movies to learn more about writing suspense so her novel can have more punch.
Rafael is visiting Jane and Michael’s when Michael tells him that the numbers from Elena Mutter’s bible lead to a convent in Italy. Raf is surprised because his mother wasn’t religious, being an international drug lady and all. Jane’s imagination kicks the scene into old-timey film noir style, with Rafael and Michael doing suspect British accents. Turns out Mutter had been paying the convent monthly payments of $10k.
Jane asks Raf if she can have Mateo on Sundays in order to take him to church. Raf wants Mateo to go to hell—I mean, not to be super religious, so he has to think about LETTING THE MOTHER OF HIS CHILD TAKE THE KID TO CHURCH. Really, Raf? Jane was a virgin when you met, ran through hurricanes looking for rosaries, prayed all through amniocentesis, had Mateo christened, crossed herself every time she saw you, and you’re surprised she wants to take him to church? Ok, I guess. Since Rafael is no longer in love with Jane, he’s more confident in asking for what’s important to him and a heathen baby Mateo is what he wants, but Jane''s faith matters to her. She almost wins the argument, but Michael admits they haven’t been to church since they got married. So, no church for Mateo the Omen.
After Raf leaves, Jane and Michael ponder their religious life and decided to go to church, which makes them horny. They start to kiss, but Catalina walks in. Jane finally asks Catalina to leave.
Rogelia is on his matchmaker dates breaking all of Darci Factor’s rules. He spends his first date with Denise Richards (who does not have fresh eggs) talking about Xo. Darci gives him another chance when Ro offers her the Marbella for a mixer.
Mateo shows out in church, so Raf takes him outside. RAFAEL SEES THE VIRGINI MARY AND HAS A FLASHBACK! He tells Michael and Jane the memory and Michael encourages him to keep trying to remember. That night, Michael admits to Jane that he agrees with Raf about Mateo being too young for church. Jane insists religion is important to her.
The next day, Jane goes over to Raf’s place and guess who is there? Catalina. Jane’s suspicious, but she leaves Mateo with Raf and Cat (CataRaf?). As Jane’s espadrilles click on the Marbella marble, Rafael has another flashback of his mom leaving him at the convent. Jane suspects Catalina is lying about something.
Michael hangs out with his cute-as-pie partner, Dennis. They think Mutter might have been dealing in stolen art. Later that night, Jane and Michael show Raf some pictures and he starts breathing all heavy because he recognizes one. He takes them down to his father’s art vault where they see a stolen painting. Raf found out about the paintings after his father died. He suspected the art might have been stolen, but he didn’t want to ruin his father’s legacy. Raf begs Michael not to call the police. Jane goes off on Raf and tells him that maybe if he went to church every once in a while he’d know right from wrong. Like the Latin Lover Narrator says: “Damn, Raf, you just got Jane’d.”
Jane calls Ro, who’s at the Matchmaker Mixer, looking for Xo and Ro tells her Xo’s back with Bruce. At the mixer, Ro is going through women like a hot knife through butter (“You have the breasts of a Hungarian milkmaid,”); only he’s rejecting them left and right. Xo turns up, angry Rogelio told Jane about Bruce. Ro tells her he’s sorry and afraid he might not find the kind of love they had. Ro very loudly admits to not being attracted to any of the women Darci’s picked out for him and ruins the mixer.
Jane picks up Cat for dinner. She spots a DUFFEL BAG FULL OF JEWELS AND MONEY in Cat’s room. Cat swears the money is because she’s just reentered the U.S. from Venezuela and the jewels are for selling so she can help the family. Jane buys that. After everything she's been through, shouldn't Jane know there are no explanations as cut and dry as Catalina's?
Darci kicks Ro out of the matchmaker club. Ro understands and tells her he just wants a chance at having another child and raising it, since he missed out on raising Jane.
Catalina and Raf (Rafalina?) are laughing about Jane when Cat says something in Italian that triggers Raf. Michael figures out that Mother Constantine, the Italian-speaking nun Raf remembers, is at a convent in Miami and Raf wants to talk to her. Jane asks to come along so he doesn’t stick out like “a rich, godless, sore thumb.” These two crazy kids.
Jane and Raf visit the convent. The nun who gives them the tour rats them out to the head nun in charge. While Jane takes in the rest of the tour, Raf walks down a long Hitchcockian hallway. He lets himself in Mother Constantine’s office. Mother Constantine is headed toward the office! Jane tries to stop her but gets the wrong nun! MOTHER CONSTANTINE CATCHES RAFAEL! Turns out the nun was dealing stolen art with Rafael’s father to raise money for the orphanage (it’s always for the orphanage). THEN SHE HANDS RAFAEL A WAX-SEALED ENVELOPE!
Jane keeps talking to the wrong nun and the conversation helps her figure out she’s mad at God for letting Michael get shot. She decides to work on her relationship with God before dragging Mateo and Michael to church every Sunday.
Raf tells Michael and Jane he’s returning the stolen art and turning himself into the police. Raf wants to set an example for Mateo and end the neverending cycle of Solano saṃsāra or something like that.
Michael fails his physical and can’t go back to work. Jane gives him some space and goes over to Abuela’s to sit on the Porch Swing of Revelations with Xo. Xo tells Jane she knew Bruce was married when they got together. Jane leaves, being totally judge-y.
DARCI AND RO DECIDE TO HAVE A BABY. Huh.
Some strange foreign man comes to see Catalina, but no one cares because Jane’s at Rafael's and he tells her what was in the envelope: his birth certificate. Turns out, Elena bought him from the nuns after losing her baby. RAFAEL IS NOT A SOLANO!
Waaaymint— didn’t Rafael’s father give Elena millions to stay away from Rafael when he was 4? So why is he leaving the convent when he’s old enough to remember?
I give this eppy a B+. I enjoyed all the Hitchcock references (although I only got about two of them). A good crime/mystery gets Michael involved in JTV and it's better for him to be solving crimes and not just sitting around waiting for Rogelio to drop by. Rafael’s very sense of self is at the center of this case. Will he go to jail to break the Solano curse or will he go on the run with Catalina? I bet he spends some time with Luisa's shaman.
I think Jane struggling with her identity, too; she’s questioning her faith and that’s huge for her; it'll be interesting to see the writers explore Jane with doubts about Catholicism. I could watch Jaime Camil play Rogelio watching paint dry and I’d be happy, so this DarciRo storyline is fine by me. The B+ is because I still feel like the episodes aren’t balanced. Petra and Anezka were nowhere to be found in this episode and Xo’s story-line—which is a pretty big deal—disappeared for a half an hour. And Rafael never took his shirt off.
This was the mid-season finale, so see you January 23, 2017. Leave a comment or hit like--thanks!
To Be Continued…