Jane the Virgin/ HornDog- Chapter 61
Episode: 6.5 (.5 was for Lina)
It’s Lina! Lina—Jane’s BFF since they choreographed that dance to “Hot in Herre,” Lina—who dated Michael’s bad boy brother who disappeared after two episodes in season 1; Lina—who Jane made Mateo’s godmother! Lina—WHO WE HAVEN’T SEEN SINCE SEASON 2.
Flash back to 14-year-old Jane Gloriana Villanueva on a double date with fast-tailed Lina; these two go way-way back. LATER, AFTER JANE FINISHES TELLING HER MOTHER HER SEX PLANS, Jane runs into Lina at a food truck. Awkward. Latin Lover Narrator says Jane, and Lina kinda devolved into Facebook friends when Lina moved to the big city. Sad.
Petra visits Anezka in jail. Anezka is still sporting that hilarious “Not Petra” tattoo on her forehead. Anezka is all out of sorts because she can’t remember what happened the night Scott was murdered and there’s a video of her with him. She knows she was upset because he broke up with her, but not upset enough to kill him. Anezka begs Petra to fix things.
Jane confides in Ro and Xo about running into Lina. Ro offers to help Jane like he helped Oprah and Gayle get back together (eyebrow raised) but Jane declines. Ro goes and wipes Mateo’s tushy. There’s a lot of Mateo’s tushy needing to be wiped in this episode. Is that a milestone of some sort? Xo worries that she’s moving too fast with Ro. OH MY GOD STOP, XO! JTV WRITERS: GIVE XIOMARA GLORIANA VILLANUEVA A REAL STORYLINE SO SHE CAN MARRY ROGELIO AND GET ON WITH HER LIFE. Let Sin Rostro kidnap her, then Xo kills Rose and starts her own P.I. firm with Elvis. I don’t know—anything but this.
Jane and Fab are Netflix and Chilling. Fab doesn’t know Queen Elizabeth is still alive. RUN, JANE, RUN. They’re getting hot and heavy when Fab pulls a Jane and says he’s saving himself. Even though he’s already given some of himself away—with cougars, freaks, on Halloween. Still, he says being famous and fine, sex became too easy for him and lost its meaning. Jane just wants to crush her flower again.
Alba is incensed by the political climate in America. She never says Trump, but, come on, ICE raids and anti-immigrant rhetoric? Jane tries to convince her to march, but Alba is afraid. Come on, Albuela! Jane tells Albuela Fab is saving himself and Alba’s like, MARRY HIM! Jane decides to give him another shot. Later that day on the Tiago set, Jane discovers Fab is great with kids and sensitive to a single mother’s dating complexities. Awww, Jane, so what if he is as thick as a 2X4?
Rafael is all PineyFace McPines-A-Lot for Petra. I like Petra, so I’m okay with extended Yael on my TV, but I dunno. They dispatched Abbey with a quickness and now Raf is head over heels for Petra? What happened to Dark Raf who has drunken threesomes with supermodels when he’s afraid? Anyway, Rafael can’t believe Petra is trying to help Anezka and in a bit of unnecessary exposition, he reminds Petra that Anezka paralyzed her and tried to steal her life (guess he forgot about sleeping with her!). Petra says she just wants to help but Raf doesn’t buy it. Turns out, it’s Petra in the video, masquerading as Anezka! Petra is trying to save Anezka from jail because she knows the culprit isn’t Anezka. The truth: she fired Scott, drugged Anezka, and pretended to be Anezka as she staged a very public break up with Scott. When Petra tells Raf she lied to him to protect him since he was on parole, Raf goes all gooey. Chuck comes by to take Petra to lunch. When they’re out of earshot, Chuck tells Petra Raf is hot for her.
Jane goes out with Fab. She is so horny, she thinks he’s hot eating nachos and blowing his nose. She tells him about Lina. His eyes are two close together for me, but I can see why she wants to bang him.
A snooty customer in the Marbella gift shop tells a Spanish-speaking customer to speak English (booooooooo!). Alba doesn’t say anything, but you can tell she’s activating her inner Rosa Parks for the end of the episode. Alba has a pocket Constitution and knows the Preamble, y’all! Still, she’s afraid to march with Jane. She’s worried they could take away her green card.
Lina comes over. Still awkward. Mateo doesn’t even remember her. But that doesn’t stop him from announcing his potty habits in front of his forgotten godmother. Lina shows Jane Bumble—a Tinder-like app. Lina runs off to see her fiancé; the reunion is cut short and feelings are hurt. Jane is left holding the diaper.
Jane and Raf are just the best friends. There’s nothing they can’t talk about. Masturbation, porn. Hopefully, this is setting us up for a big happy ending with these two in season 4 or 5. Jane notices Raf pining for Petra. Jane tells Raf she cares about Petra and unless he is absolutely sure he loves Petra, he better not break her heart again. Maybe Jane and Petra can be like sisterwives or something.
Jane and Fab go to an eat-in-the-dark restaurant, so she won’t be distracted by his hotness and she can get to know him on a deeper level. Fab is seeming like a dimbulb ( he thinks Jane likes books and stuff and confuses George Orwell with Orville Redenbacher). Jane gets a text from Lina and Fab suddenly yells at Jane to go save her friendship with Lina. They rush out of the restaurant and head to Lina’s cake tasting with her fiancé.
Ro wants to show Xo a house. Xo says she’s in bed sick but OF COURSE RO IS OUTSIDE THE WINDOW OVERHEARING AND CRESTFALLEN. I swear if it wasn’t for Jaime Camil’s amazing acting, I’d just be done with this story line.
Rafael’s guy, Elvis the Private Eye finds out there’s someone named J.P. in Pensacola who might have something to do with Scott’s death. Raf is all feeling like the hero. Petra notices and asks if Raf has feelings for her. Raf lies and says no.
Back at the cake-tasting, Jane and Lina go to the bathroom, where they’ve always told each other their truest feelings. Lina tells Jane she was there for her when Michael died (I did not see her at the funeral!), but the second year, Lina didn’t know how to talk to Jane about normal life things because Jane would put everything on the scale of losing Michael. They make up! Diane Guerrero has a new show, so look for her and her fiancé Danny to move half way round the world. Lina encourages Jane to give Fab a chance because Lina isn’t super bright, but she’s a great friend. Kinda.
Mateo is worried someone wants to deport Alba. I love the way JTV shows how anti-immigrant policies and rhetoric affect every member of the family, from Alba to Mateo, generations on edge over hatred and bigotry. Raf and Jane reassure Mateo. Alba finds out Jorge is undocumented and gets the courage to march. YAY!
Ro lays into Alba in Spanish and I love it! Yo estoy aqui para ellos! But it’s just a set up to get Ro to the sound stage where Xo has set up a romantic beach. Xo asks Ro to marry her.
Fab bought 1984 and is almost finished reading it. Jane realizes he might be a diamond in the rough and the two of them have one of those up-all-night-talking nights that’s supposed to make us think of Jane and Raf falling on love, but, c’mon, you know Raf and Jane are getting back together. And you know the Latin Lover Narrator is probably grown up Mateo.
Petra and Chuck head out to investigate JP. Raf leaves Petra a message confessing his feelings. But Sexy Dennis finds out JP is a nickname Anezka and Scott madeup. It stands for Jerky Pants because the owner of the pants always at beef Jerky and is….CHUCK CHESSER WHO IS DRIVING PETRA TO PENSACOLA WITH A SHOTGUN IN THE BACK SEAT. DUN DUN DUUUUUN!
All in all, not a bad eppy. It was nice to see Lina. She looked really glam. I loved all the shade Alba through the current administration and I like the fact that JTV is one of the first TV shows to address how anti-immigration foolishness is affecting hard-working, loving American families like Jane’s. It just feels like nothing new happened, ya know? I mean, how many times have Xo and RO been engaged? And Lina and Anezka are callbacks, fun callbacks but callbacks nonetheless. It’s cute that Jane gets to be on the other side of horniness, but, jeez Louise, let the poor girl get some good-good already. Alba, too.
To Be Continued…
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