Jane the Virgin’s Season 3 starts in just days and the question everyone’s asking? Is Michael still alive?! (Everyone except #TeamRafael, but whatever, I’m #TeamMichael. I said what I said.) If the internet is to be trusted, Season 3 is going to be huge—HUGE— for JTV. This show has always had the bomb guest stars (Bruno Mars, Britney Spears, David Bisbal, Rita Moreno), and Season 3 is no different—guess who’s coming to the Marbella to do that conga? Rogelio de la Vega’s BFF, Gloria Estefan! Rumor also has it that Xiomara might give her singing career a boost with an audition on a “The Voice”-like TV competition. And the biggest news of all—inhala, exhala—Jane is finally going to swipe her V-card! Whoa.
Let’s get to the Season 2 recap, shall we? The second season starts with sweet little Baby Mateo Gloriano Rogelio Solano-Villanueva in the clutches of Sin Rose-stro associate, Nadine, Michael Cordero’s former partner and occasional side piece. Michael trades a dragonfly brooch that’s really a jump drive with all the names and faces of the criminals that Sin Rostro changed for Baby Mateo, and all is well. For, like five seconds. Meanwhile, Petra Solano got a hold of Rafael’s last remaining semen sample (“The girl’s got spunk” is, hands down, the Latin Lover Narrator’s best line of the entire series), inseminated herself with a turkey baster, and becomes Rafael’s Baby Mama #2. And Xiomara, Jane’s mom, and Rogelio, Jane’s telenovela star dad, got married by a Cher-impersonator one drunken night in Vegas and decided to get an annulment.
Jane adjusts to new motherhood, no thanks to her hella noisy next door neighbor (played by singer Kesha) and her rock band. Jane steals her neighbor’s amp, and the police show up at Abuela Alba’s door (why is this the only Villanueva case Michael’s not involved in?!). Alba is an undocumented immigrant and decides to finally get her green card despite her fears (#Vote #ImmigrationReformNow). Jane gets her Bachelorette on and realizes she's in love with both Rafael and Michael. Michael is a straight Mack Daddy and says, “Nobody knows you like I do, Jane. You ain’t in love with Rafael. You're in love with me. One day you’ll realize it. Hopefully, I’ll still be around.” Jane gets the vapors, the clutch the pearl vapors!
Rafael’s rose-worthiness takes a hit when he figures out Petra is pregnant with his seed. Xo and Ro are on a slow boat to Cuba, and Xo realizes Ro will never commit until he deals with his baggage from his first ex-wife’s, Luciana (played La Reina Del Sur’s bodied star Kate del Castillo), betrayal.
Oh yeah, Sin Rostro, Sin Rostro, back of the head, Swiss mountains, Luisa kidnapped by some Germans. Honestly, the Sin Rostro stuff in Season 2 gets jumbled in my head because it seems so unrelated to what I love most about JTV: family, love, and la Cultura de Latina. If it were up to me, Rose would get a chancla to the back of the head. I’ll try to pay attention in Season 3, but I’m not making any promises. Michael gets a new partner, Susannah.
Jane tries to juggle school and mommyhood, and it’s a disaster. You know when Mateo’s baby carriage rolls down the long flight of stairs in the lecture hall? That’s JTV’s brilliant writers’ homage to the scene the classic Russian movie, The Battleship Potemkin, where a baby carriage rolls down the Odessa Steps. That sequence has been in everything from The Godfather to The Untouchables. Oh, you gon’ learn something up in here. #Edutainment.
At Mateo’s christening, Jane reads a letter Abuela wrote for Xo’s christening. There is a beautiful montage of the three moms, Alba, Xo, and Jane, reading the heartfelt wish to their newborn children. This is what sets JTV apart from any other show. It’s a real and genuine portrayal of a culture that is often portrayed negatively (see the current Republican presidential candidate) or reduced to stereotypes. I cry every time I see it. “Mi Preciosa hija…may you be loving and joyful and kind…” I need a moment.
Rogelio’s ex-wife, Luciana, blackmails Ro into giving her a spot on the Passions de Santos’ La Semana De Hacer El Amor, so not only is Rogelio’s ex going to be back in his life, she’s gonna have her tongue all down his throat. What’s she got on him? Bootleg Scientology auditing videos Ro made at the start of his career. Ro and Xo team up to steal Luciana’s busload of pet rabbits, and all’s well that ends well.
Sin Rostro, Mutter, yodeling, Luisa, blue silk ties. *eye roll.*
MICHAEL AND JANE’S EPIC KISS IN FRONT OF A PAPIER MÂCHÉ MOUNTIAN!!!! The one they built for the yodeling Heidi Von Ocher who something Sin Rostro…zzzzzzzzz. Honestly? I didn’t think the kiss was as epic as the Jane/Rafael snog with the magnolia leaves falling (which is the screen saver on my phone, btw, don’t judge me; Justin Baldoni is foiiinnee.) but Michael’s arc in Season 2 is so deftly executed, I’ll allow it. Jane decides Michael is the man for her.
Milos, Petra’s ex from the Czech Republic shows up and pretty much strong arms Petra into marriage. This subplot is a bit of a snoozer—Milos marries Petra so he can sell crates of hand grenades out of the Marbella. Chile, I guess. If it weren’t for Yael Grobglas’ considerable talent, these forays into memories of some vague city in the Czech Republic would be unbearable. (Actually, all the actors in these story-lines are good. I love Priscilla Barnes. You young heads might not know who that is, but she replaced Suzanne Sommers on “Three’s Company” back in the day. ) Long story short, Milos gets extradited back to wherever he came from, Magda loses a hand and an eye, and Jane and Petra become…well, not quite friends, but there is the start of something like a friendship between them.
MICHAEL AND RAFAEL GET INTO A HUGE FIGHT! Michael told Jane that he let Nadine walk when he found out she was working for Sin Rostro because, well, he’s Michael and he wanted to be honest with Jane. But the baby monitor was on when Michael came clean and Rafael overheard the confession. So Michael thinks Rafael got him fired. Michael goes to the Marbella to confront him, and, while the two are duking it out, a vase shatters and Mateo gets hurt. Later, Michael apologizes, but Jane decides to put Mateo first and kicks Michael to the curb. Heck, she kicks him all the way across the street. Michael “loses” his job, Nadine turns up and the two head to Mexico to catch Sin Rostro (feel free to correct me, I wasn’t paying attention).
With Michael gone and Raphael flirting with the mommies in the Mommy and Me group, Jane starts grad school, and her first seminar is with Jonathan Chavez, a.k.A Professor Hard-ass Hottie. Hard-ass, because he’s really forcing Jane to grow as a writer; Hottie, because Adam Rodriguez plays him. Professor Chavez and Jane act like they’re in a remake of Pride and Prejudice. She hates him; he secretly likes her, they get together, well, almost. Jane sweater-kisses Jonathan and has to change advisors. Then, Jonathan asks her out. Jane drives across town with no panties on. I know that much. Professor Hottie gets Jane a TA position after her grad school classmate, Wesley, gets kicked out of school for tricking Jane into revealing Solano family secrets for an article. The Professor Hottie goes off to Thailand for a sabbatical.
Rogelio puts his life’s savings into a Spanish version of Mad Men, Hombres Locos. I am a huge Mad Men fan. I love Jaime Camil. Hombres Locos had me in tears—tears! “I will be like Jon Hamm—but much, much better looking.” Rogelio has to downsize when the show fails, and Jane puts him on a budget. He eventually lands a time hit time travel show, Tiago a Través del Tiempo. Rogelio seducing Susan B. Anthony is hilarious.
The Villanuevas take Rafael on his first Black Friday at Target. Target gets its product placement money’s worth on JTV. Jane is either going to Target, coming from Target, in Target with Lina. But it makes sense. (Dear Target, I need a sponsor….) Jane runs into Michael. Rafael comes up with Baby Mateo in a Bjorn and Michael gets out of the store and out of Jane’s life.
Jane finally relents to hiring a sitter, and Rafael takes her on a date to woo her back. He drives by a beautiful house with a white picket fence and tells her he’s thinking about buying it. Ugh, Rafael thinks money can buy everything. Doesn’t he know Jane is our hard-working heroine who will make her way in the world with her indomitable spirit and talent? When Jane and Rafael get back to Rafael’s penthouse, Jane checks the nanny-cam for Mateo-related cuteness. Instead, she finds proof that Rafael paid someone to rat Michael out and get him fired. Rafael lied to her for six months. You know how Jane hates lies. Bye, Rafael.
Magda kills Ivan. Accidentally kinda on purpose. Ivan threatened to tell Petra the secret Magda’s been hiding and Magda slapped him. With her hook. And slit his throat. Proving herself to be the world’s worst mother, Magda pins the blame on Petra. Petra confides in Rafael, and he helps exonerate Petra and send Magda to jail. Jail jail.
Michael, who was really undercover and not fired, thinks Luisa’s mother might have faked her death and gone underground as Mutter. But….she didn’t. Susannah comforts Luisa, who’d really gotten her hopes up about her mother, and the two of them get closer. I’ll take maybe one “This is what you thought, but this is what really happened” a season. Any more than that we got a problem.
Rafael’s mother, Elena, flash drive, Mutter, stab in the neck. Seriously, I can’t with this plot line. I think Elena, Rafael’s mother, is Rose’s stepmother, which makes Rose Rafael’s stepsister-once-removed and his stepmother. Nadine had the chip Rose and Elena wanted, so she stashed it INSIDE MICHAEL’S LEG while they were in Mexico. Michael figures it out, and Rose and Elena join forces in a mountain chalet to get the chip back. Michael sets up a fake plan and a real plan. He stages a car accident with Luisa. Rose comes to the hospital to say goodbye. Rose takes Susannah, hostage, and it seems—based on my many, many viewings---like Rose gets shot and dies. It sure seemed like that happened.
Michael stops by to tell Jane that Rose is dead, Mateo is safe…AND HE LOVES HER! Michael is back in the Villanueva household. And that’s a good thing because Rogelio’s new and nutty assistant, Paola (who’s really Lola, his newly released prison pen pal), is holding him hostage. (Paola is played by “Narcos” actress, Ana de la Reguera, totally making herself dowdyfor the role.) Michael rescues Rogelio, and the bromance of the ages continues.
Michael buys Jane an it-would-have-been-our-anniversary-if-you-hadn’t-left-me-for-Rafael present; it’s the new Angelique Harper! And when Jane reads it, it sounds a lot like the chapter Jane gave Angelique Season 1. Jane and Petra go to confront Angelique when Petra goes into labor. Petra has twin girls, Elsa and Anna. She has no idea. And Jane and Michael get engaged!
It turns out; Alba was not a virgin when she got married! Xiamara is extremely upset because she feels Alba has made her feel guilty for liking sex. Xo and Alba makeup and Xo invites Alba’s Venezuelan lover, Pablo Alonso Segura, for a visit. Pablo brings bad luck with him wherever he goes so a pipe bursts and the Villanueva house is uninhabitable. Jane, Xo, and Alba move into the Marbella. Pablo turns out to be a player, and Alba sends him packing, but she realizes she needs romance in her life and decides to start dating again.
Rafael finds out he has a half-brother, Derek, who has something to do with all that Sin Rostro stuff. Sigh. What’s waaay more interesting is Petra’s TWIN SISTER, Anezka. Magda gave her away as a baby and Anezka was raised in an Eastern European orphanage. Anezka shows up and plays the loyal, grateful sister to gain Petra’s trust. Then Anezka injects Petra with a drug that gives her Locked-In Syndrome. This happened to Mos Def on House. With Locked-In Syndrome, you can see and hear everything, but you can’t move or speak. Anezka assumes Petra’s identity and starts boinking Rafael while Petra is petrified in the hospital. Leaping Lizards, y'all.
Rogelio starts dating Dina, the head writer of his show. So Xo hooks up with Esteban, Rogelio’s arch-enemy. And she’s pregnant. Dun-DUN-DUN!
JANE AND MICHAEL’S WEDDING! Oh. My. God. This is why I am #TeamMichael. Jane says her vows and then it’s Michael’s turn. He looks to Alba, then SAYS HIS VOWS IN SPANISH. I died. I died! I cried and I died! Rogelio gets Bruno Mars to sing at the wedding, and it’s awesome. Jane and Michael retire to the honeymoon suite. Jane’s got her lingerie; she’s ready to give Michael her flower, and MICHAEL LEAVES THE ROOM TO GET ICE FOR THE CHAMPAGNE. Why? Why?! He passes his partner Susannah in the hall, realizes she’s not Susannah and SUSANNAH SHOOTS MICHAEL IN THE HEART! Susannah goes to Luisa’s room and TAKES OFF HER FACE to reveal she’s Rose Sin Rostro.
That’s pretty much everything.