Jane the Virgin Horndog Chapter 60
Episode Rating: 8.5 (.5 for all the pecs and abs)
Oh, was there a new episode of Jane the Virgin on Monday? I missed it. It’s been so long since the show was on, I started doing other things with my Monday nights—salsa dancing, play readings, cable news. Aww, I’m just kidding; I still love Jane. But I think the CW needs to realize that most of us fell in love with Jane on Netflix and Hulu and we gobbled her up with one binge. Waiting every week is hard enough; taking these random long breaks is a bit much.
Still, WHAT A FRIGGEN EPISODE! Let’s jump in, shall we? You’ll remember, last episode, the sight of buff Fabian made Jane’s vagina glow. Turns out, Jane Villanueva liked shirtless telenovela stars underneath waterfalls ever since she was a young girl. Now that her engine is revving again, Jane and Xiomara are having a little girl talk about getting in Fab’s pants, when Abuela walks in. Abuela’s motor’s turning over, too, these days, but Alba hasn’t told Jorge she doesn’t believe in sex outside of marriage. (I guess she means “anymore,” because Alba had sex with Mateo the Elder before she married him; that was the whole point of the feud with her sister and why she made Jane promise to be a virgin and--- you know what? Nevermind.)
Jane’s agent, Jeremy calls Jane to tell her the book is ready to go to market. The marketing team wants to use Jane’s sensational/tragic life to help sell her book. Jane thinks it will be too painful and tells them she wants the book to stand on its own. Jeremy says they’ll give it a shot and encourages Jane to cultivate more Twitter followers to hype her appearance at the Miami Book Fair.
Luisa’s back in town. Raf doesn’t play. He hasn’t let Luisa near any of his children. In fact, Elvis the ex-con is really Elvis the Private Eye, and Raf asks him to bug Luisa’s room in case Rose contacts her. Well, of course, Luisa’s blonde girl, Eileen, is Rose. And Rose is a criminal mastermind, drug lord, and murderess—even if she’s being played by Elisabeth Rohm, and no amount of wiretapping is going to catch her. Rose pulls out a sleep sound machine and has an argument with Luisa on the balcony and demands to move to another room.
Chuck is getting along just fine with Petra and the gifted and talented twins, and thirsty Rafael is jealous. Seriously, Rafael is parched when it comes to Petra. What is that about? When did it happen? I love Yael G, so anything that means she's got more screen time is alright with me, but really? Really.
Meanwhile, the police, WHICH INCLUDES DENNIS, want Petra to lure Anezka back to the U.S.
Rogelio is convinced Fab is “All About Eve”-ing him with little digs about his weight and age, tweeting marginally unflattering selfies. When Xiomara tells Ro Jane’s crushing on Fab, Ro gets jealous, protective and loud—he spills the beans. Jane’s embarrassed, but Fab doesn’t mind. Fab doesn’t seem like the brightest goji bean-loving telenovela star, but he has a banging body.
Alba, WHO IS ON FIRE FOR JORGE, finally tells him she’s celibate, and it looks like that’s going to be a problem. Alba needs to crush a flower in her hand, if you catch my drift.
Fab finds out Jane needs Twitter followers to get into the Book Fair, so he tips off the paparazzi and stages a fake lovers’ quarrel. Jane thinks it’s a sweet gesture, but Fab wants a little quid pro quo (and not the good kind): Fab wants Jane to put a good word in for him with Rogelio. Fab has a book coming out too, by the by. Isn’t it cute how he and Jane have something in common? Jane puts in the good word.
Thirsty Raf (maybe all that linen soaks up water) drops by to see if Petra needs comforting after calling Anezka. Chuck’s there, and Petra’s all “Shorty got a job, Shorty got a car, Shorty gon be okay,” or however that Pink! song went. Raf and Chuck growl and Raf leaves.
Luisa and Rose move to another room. Luisa meets Raf for dinner and tries to convince him to let her see the rest of her remaining family. Raf asks where Emily is and Luisa says she out doing some hippie stuff and Raf texts Elvis with the go-ahead for the wiretap. Rose is upstairs in the new room that Rafael switched the air conditioner off in. ROSE TAKES OFF HER EILEEN FACE! It’s the original Rose, Bridget somebody! She’s my favorite Rose! Elvis lets himself in and Rose covers her face with her shirt and tells him to get out.
Rogelio confronts Fab about the on-set sabotage. Fab tells Ro that RO is his idol. Alls well that ends well and Fab suggests a mani with his mentor, but that reminds Rogelio of his bromance with Michael and he declines. Awww. I understand, Ro. *MICHAEL FLASHBACK*
Jane asks Professor Donaldson , her new best bud instead of Lina I guess (#TuesdaysWithMarlene) if she can get some famous authors to do a blurb for her book. Professor Donaldson tells Jane to stop being precious about her book and let the publishers sell the book with everything they’ve got. Jane calls Jeremy and tells him they can use Jane’s past to promote the book.
Xo and Alba lovingly reassure Jane that it's okay to move on with her life and Michael will never be a mere footnote in her story. She starts to understand letting go is a process.
Part of the process is sharing that insight at the bookfair with MARIA SEMPLE who wrote Where’d You Go Bernadette, which you will remember Sam gave Jane in the beginning of the season flash back and which Michael’s mom’s book club was reading when Jane burst in to plead her case with Mrs. Cordero.
It’s a hit and Jane even gets a fan and signs and autograph. Make that two fans: Fab was watching in the shadows and he started getting all waterfall wet for Jane. Fab shows up at the Villanueva house and asks Jane out on a date. Xo has an orgasm.
Chuck tells Petra Raf still has the hots for her. She all “No he doesn’t….” but is thinking does he? Like she might want to revisit that scenario.
Xo reassures Ro it’s ok to get mani pedis with Fab and miss Michael.
Rose is paranoid and wants to leave. Luisa tells Rose she doesn’t want to leave the hotel because she wants to repair her relationship with Raf and meet his kids.
ANEZKA GETS STOPPED AT THE BORDER! She threatens to spill the beans if Petra doesn't help her out.
I loved this eppy. All the superfluous characters (Abbey, Bad Mateo, Bruce) were gone or off to the side, old favorites were back (The Real Rose, Anezka), and Fabian was half-necked most of the time. It looks like JANE IS GOING TO GET SOME! I'm really ready for this, even though I totally miss Michael. My biggest complaint? They've GOT to give Xiomara something to do besides be in love with Rogelio! She's the official listener of the family. Remember when she was bringing milkshakes to the yard?
Some Questions: When did Rafael get so surveillance-y? He seems hell bent on catching Rose. Does Rose have something to do with Scott's death? I'd kinda like that, all the ish Rose has done, to go to jail for killing "Vests" would be like catching Al Capone for his taxes (look it up). Where have Rose and Luisa been all this time? What's Jorge's story? Why is Alba so fine? (I'm serious, I think Ivonne Coll is a looker.)
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To Be Continued...