Jane’s stressed; I’m stressed—everybody’s stressed! Except for Xiomara; she’s getting foot massages from Bruce. Let’s recap, shall we?
Jane and Michael start off with some nerdy, law school foreplay. Nothing gets Jane going like studying and lists, and she wants to bring Michael into her geeky world of books and flash cards now that he’s prepping for the LSATs. Jane is hella organized; in fact, she finishes the first draft of her novel! Michael, however, is not the best student in the world and zones out on soccer instead of hitting the books. Michael is stressed.
Rogelio hasn’t seen Darci in three weeks because he’s waiting for his feelings for her to…um…go down…er…soften. Darci will only have his baby if there is no romantic connection between them and Ro really like her (I do, too #TeamFactor!) so, Ro is stressed.
A kid at Mateo asks for a cracker. In fact all the kids at Mr. Sweetface’s school are chatting up a storm. All Mateo can say is Mama and Dada. Jane is stressed.
Jane takes Mateo over to Raf’s so Mateo can play with his sisters, Elsa and Anna (thank god! they’re alive!!!). Raf tells Jane he’s breaking up with Cat and he’s also going to come clean to the authorities about the addendum to his father’s will. Raf is always coming clean about something. Insider trading, wills—he just can’t keep a secret. Jane tells him that no matter what happens he’ll be fine. Petra is watching all this on her hidden camera, so one thing we know, if he isn’t already, Raf’s gonna be stressed.
(Has Petra been watching everything that goes on in Raf’s penthouse? Like, Raf and Cat and everything? Ew.)
Petra meets Cat in the elevator. They talk, gold-digger to gold-digger. Petra tells Cat that Raf’s about to dump her and Jane is really happy about it and offers Cat $10k to keep Raf out of his penthouse for one night. Cat saunters out of the elevator without giving her an answer. Petra is stressed.
Jane is worried that Abuela won’t like her novel and she’s trying to discuss it with Xo, but Xo is too busy moaning over Bruce’s foot massage. Xo is not stressed. Jane admits that trying to help Michael get into law school has been stressful. Bruce tells her getting in is nothing compared to how hard getting through law school is and how much you have to work to pay off student loans. Bruce says it almost ruined his marriage (Xo finished it off, I guess). Jane is stressed some more.
Jane tells Michael about her conversation with Bruce and Xo, and Michael flips all the way out. He’s stressed. They make up cute in bed and he decides to take some LSAT prep classes. Jane decides to take up yoga.
Raf and Jane take Mateo to the pediatrician and voice their concern about his speech development. The doctor says either Mateo is a brilliant, bi-lingual baby just waiting for the write time to drop some palabras, or…maybe they should just wait three months and see. Jane is even more stressed.
Scott is waiting for Petra in her office (don’t these people lock their doors?), but Petra is not having it. She tells Scott she knows he and Rafael set her up and that it was she, not Anezka who said good bye to him in the alley by the dumpster. Anezka, according to Petra, is already on her way back to the Czech Republic. Surprisingly, Scott is not stressed.
Ro sees Darci again and tries to keep his feelings under wraps, but he gets an EMOTIONAL BONER. This season we have enjoyed all facets of Rogelio’s nether regions, haven’t we? Ro suggests a date and then asks if it’s alright to hug her because “Donald Trump has ruined romance for all of us.” Ha!
Jane’s in a beach yoga class, trying to breathe her worries away, when Cat comes up and does a double-jointed sideways dog. Cat wants to know if Jane knew Raf wanted to end it with her. Jane tells Cat she’s tired of her lying-arse lies and gets kicked out of the class. Cat goes to Petra and says she’ll keep Rafael out for $10k and Petra’s watch.
Abuela snuck Jane’s novel from Xo and read it. ABUELA LOVES IT. She says everything was worth it, the pain, the letters, Catalina, if it made Jane the writer she is. I teared up when Abuela thanked Jane for telling her story. Woo-saaah.
Cat lures Rafael from his penthouse to a getaway at a sweat lodge. I was so hoping Luisa would show up (remember her?). Instead, Raf faints from heat exhaustion. He and Catalina get to talking and he confesses he’s not a Solano. This goes on until the sun has set and they’re sharing their deepest secrets (Cat swears she didn’t vote for Brexit). Cat tells Raf she can’t have children. Raf tells her neither can he. This softens something in Cat and she tells Raf about Petra’s plan.
Ro and Darci are at dinner. Ro is laying on the de la Vega charm but Darci is curving him left and right. Ro thinks having a baby might not be such a good idea if Darci is so critical all the time. Darci is stressed.
Michael heads to the coffee shop to study because Jane’s printing is driving him crazy. When he returns, Jane gives him some essential oils to calm him down. When he wakes up, he has a serious allergic reaction that makes him look like he “put his whole head in a bee hive.” And it’s the day of his law school interview! Rogelio’s make team makes Michael up and Michael and Jane and Mateo head toward the interview only to get stuck in traffic. Jane and Michael are yelling, Mateo is crying—STRESS! Somehow, they end up camping (I was texting someone; I look up, they're in a tent). Remember, camping is where they realized how much they loved each other, with the giraffe Michael carved for Jane and all that? Michael confesses that he’s failed his last two practice tests and is worried the family will end up homeless. Jane calms him down, Mateo says a whole sentence, and Jane promises that no matter what, they’ll always have each other. This would have been so sweet if the narrator hadn’t said, “if only…no, let’s let them have this moment.” THE NARRATOR IS KILLING ME. I’m so stressed.
Turns out Darci was pushing Ro away because she was afraid he was still hung up on Xo. He assures her that’s not the case and they kiss. #TeamFactor!
Cat and Raf set Petra up, Raf catches Petra with the spy cams. Petra is stressed. She feels like she’s been gaslighted since being paralyzed and the only way she can be sure of reality is to watch the videos from the cameras. And she also tore up the addendum to the will so her Elsa and Anna can have all the ice they want. Petra may be losing her mind, but she will never lose her money. Trust that. Raf promises to get her some therapy.
Rafael makes the mature decision to disentangle himself from Cat (thank goodness!) and Cat says goodbye, adios, bon voyage to the Villanuevas. Goodbye Stress!
Jane has big smile on her face and says “Change is on the horizon!” And the narrator gets all sad and says, “It sure is, Jane.” THE NARRATOR IS STRESSING ME OUT!
The cliffhanger is that Anezka is not in the Czech Republic, she is the new Mrs. Vests and Scott has retrieved and re-pasted the shredded addendum to the will! dun Dun DUN!!!!!!!! The narrator warns us Scott’s actions are going to trigger some pretty important events.
I give this eppy a B. I still have the feeling we’re treading water, waiting for something big to happen. If the rumors are right, next week might be the week when all heck breaks loose. Or at least pics of Rogelio’s de la Vega.
To Be Continued...
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