Rating: 6 (no, wait: 7, for getting rid of Abbey!)
I know we’re getting Jane’s post Michael-life piece by piece so we’re not overwhelmed with grief, but I need to know when Jane cut her hair. I SHAVED MY ENTIRE HEAD THIS PAST WEEKEND and I want to relate to Jane’s big chop.
Enough about me.
18 months after Michael died, Jane gets a bad bout of laryngitis. Rafael is over helping her sing Mr. Sweetface to sleep. Once they get Mateo tucked in, Rafael decides to take advantage of Jane’s voicelessness and he tells her he is dating Abbey and it’s getting serious. What can Jane say? She sounds like a frog. Rafael also convinces Jane to get her metaphorical voice back; he tells her she needs to start writing again. On a whim, Jane starts researching Florida in the 1900s and begins writing the novel that eventually landed her a book deal.
It’s time for Mateo to meet his aide, Carly. Jane and Rafael breathe a sigh of relief as Carly seems to be just what Mateo needs to behave in class. Jane and Rafael leave and they run into Stacey, who shadily tells Jane she understands why Mateo needs an aide. Rafael is oblivious, but Jane knows a Mean Mom when she sees one.
Jane goes to meet an aide of her own, the editor of the book she’s going to have published. Jane’s nervous because her editor is a guy, and Rafael makes the observation that Jane is more comfortable with female authority figures. And why wouldn’t she be? Jeremy Howe, Jane’s new editor, is a sports-loving, plaid-wearing, interjection-shouting man boy. How is he going to nurture and birth Jane’s tender re-telling of her and Michael’s love story, which she’s set in Old Timey Time Florida? Jeremy loves the story, but he thinks it needs more Bang! Bam! Bang! He suggests another obstacle and Jane agrees to try to add it.
Later, Jane overhears Stacey talking to someone about Mateo. Jane tells Stacey to grow up and keep Mateo’s name out of her mouth. Then she completely dismisses the woman Stacey was talking to. Bad move, Jane, that was Gwen Conway, the head of Mateo’s school.
Back at Rafael’s, Jane worries about her faux pas with the Gwen. Petra tells Jane that Mateo is going to suffer because of her gaffe. Abbey looks worried. Why is Rafael lounging around his penthouse with his two babymamas and his girlfriend like a sheik with a harem? That tells me right there that Rafael isn’t interested in Abbey, who’s just asked Rafael if she can move in with him. Rafael hemmed and hawed and said he had to think about Anna, Elsa, Mateo, and any other children of his who might turn up. But, seriously, if Raf really loved Abbey, she wouldn’t always be lurking in the background listening to Solano/Villanueva drama.
PetraChuck go to brunch at an out of the way restaurant. Chuck tells Petra he thinks she’s ashamed of him. She is a little. Just because he curls her toes between the sheets doesn’t mean he can act right out in these streets. Petra does really like him, though, so she suggests an evening out at the Marbella.
Rogelio goes to Donnie Shapiro, the jaguar of lawyers to get his $10 million breach of contract lawsuit from the De La Vega Factor Factor taken care of care of. Donnie deposes Xiomara and she tells how the show defamed her character. Of course, Bruce is there because BRUCE IS PERFECT AND SUPPORTIVE IN EVERY WAY. Alba loves him, Jane loves him, and Xo leans on his strength as he neglects his law practice and teen daughter to be by Xo’s side ALL THE TIME. Bruce just wants the lawsuit over because he wants what’s best for Xo. He even mediates a truce between Ro and Xo—replete with eye contact and apologies—that probably seals his doom as Xiomara seems to be repressing some feelings for Ro, who was making puppy dog eyes at Xo.
Petra lets Jane tag along to the Mean Mommy’s Monte Carlo Fundraising Meeting. These women are balling; they’ve got courtside seats at NBA games and Beyoncé tickets and Jane is penny pinching and being boring. Jane is such an odd duck. I don’t understand why no one knows Mateo is the almost-immaculate conceived heir to millions who was almost delivered on a city bus, whose grandfather is an international telenovela/reality TV star. Jane had a website, y’know.
Jane’s re-write keeps getting stuck. Josephine (Jane) is pregnant by Rake (Rafael) but in love with Detective Martin (Michael, who we never get to see). She adds every obstacle she can think of—Old–Timey Rake twirls his mustache and looks at Old-Timey Xo’s bosoms (ewww, her mom and her baby daddy?!), Old Timey Penelope (Petra), even Old-Timey Alba with a parasol and wisdom, but nothing cuts through Jane’s writer’s block. Jane tells her editor Jeremy, nothing is working and she thinks having her heroine be torn between Rake and Martin is enough. Jeremy didn’t read a love relationship between Rake and Josephine at all, but he thinks it’s a great idea.
Rafael asks Petra what she thinks about Abbey moving in. Petra says she likes her well enough and tells Raf she’s bringing Chuck to the Marbella. Raf calls Elvis and tells him to break into Petra’s room when she’s not there. What is Raf up to?
Petra forgets her phone in her room and excuses herself from Chuck to go get it. Petra walks in on Elvis and freaks out. When Elvis leaves, Petra retrieves a leather-bound book from the air vent. She texts Chuck down at the Marbella Bar and tells him a work thing came up. Chuck, disgusted, leaves. Abbey knocks just as Petra slides the book in a drawer. Wanh wanh wanh wanh wanh, Abbey says, as she asks Petra something about moving in with Rafael. Petra givesher kind advice.
It’s Monte Carlo Fundraiser Night! Jane is manning the door, selling raffle tickets, and trying to figure out what happens next in her re-write. Jane, Abbey, and Rafael wind up in the kitchen washing glasses when they run short (Rafael learned to wash dishes in the hoosegow). Ugh, Abbey! She’s such a hanger-on! Nevertheless, Raf has decided to ask her to move in and has a cute card in his pocket because when you want to say what’s in your heart you should use greeting cards. For real.
Chuck won’t take Petra’s calls since she ditched him at the bar and so Petra gets drunk at Monte Carlo Night (that seems a little out of character for an Alpha Mom like Petra at a school related function, but whatevs). Petra tells Rafael he’s stringing Abbey along and he needs to just let her go. Of course Abbey overhears this. Drunk Petra shows up at Chucks wearing nothing and I mean nothing but a pink trench coat and a drunken smile. She opens her coat just as Chuck opens the door on…his poker buddies. Later, Petra confesses to moving Scott’s bones to the Fairwick side of the property line and Chuck storms off.
Bruce the Best Boyfriend In the World sets up Ro’s studio for a surprise proposal which Rogelio ruins when he asks Bruce to be his lawyer. Bruce accepts Ro’s proposal and Ro accepts Bruce’s. Ro seems sad.
Jane nailed her re-write. Jeremy’s advice helped her see that Josephine was in love with Rake. At first Jane felt guilty, like writing about Josephine and Rake was a betrayal of her love for Michael (it was!), but Abuela reminded Jane that she had to fall in love with Rafael to realize how much she really loved Michael. This sage advice frees Jane to reimagine JANE AND RAFAEL’S GREATEST HITS. I mean everything, in the tennis club sharing dreams over grilled cheese, by the bench with the magnolia leaves floating down—everything necessary to send #TeamRafael into paroxysms of joy. It turns out Rafael read Jane’s re-write and it convinced him that what he had with Abbey wasn’t the kind of love he had with Jane (y’think?) and Rafael broke up with Abbey. (Quiet down #TeamRafael).
Jane fires Carly the gossiping aide, gets Mateo a new one he likes, and makes up with Stacey. I know I’m not crazy about four year old Mateo, but he is a good little actor who has a way with words. Maybe it’s just hard for me to think of little Mateo with his own personality.
Even though Abbey was the blandest character ever to spend the night at the Marbella and will not be missed in any way, form, or fashion, she is also a woman scorned who thinks Petra is the cause of her scorning. As her swansong, Abs drops off a package to Dennis at the police station. With a very elaborate pop-up card featuring the Marbella, the Fairwick and Scott’s burial place and Petra’s leather-bound book, Abbey nudges Dennis to reopen the investigation. dun Dun DUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pleasant eppy. It’s a solid 6 with an extra point for getting rid of the blandness that was Abbey. I can’t lie, even though I’m #TeamMichael4eva, I can’t resist Season One scenes of Jane and Rafael falling in love. That’s the problem, I don’t want to be reminded of how great their love story was; I want to see a new one, with Rafael or someone new, just get on with it. It’s been three years, Jane will always love Michael, and we want her to be happy.
It’s nice to see Xo happy, but Bruce is boring and clearly she belongs with Rogelio. I think Xo and Bruce are going to get married (and again, we didn’t get to see them fall in love! That’s what makes this show fun, the falling in love, not the perfect couple plot) and Xo is going to cheat on him, putting a spin on the way their relationship went the last time.
Maybe we’ll get some romance with Alba and the Marbella gift shop guy.
To be continued…
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