For the record, I will never again complain about the $115 I pay every month for cable and internet. I was out of town on Monday night, visiting a friend who watches TV through some modern technology that is not cable (it rhymes with “Oogle vee tee”). Just to make sure I didn’t miss a moment of Jane the Virgin, I turned everything on early, sat through Supergirl, and, as soon as Supergirl went off, so did the signal! It came back for the last twenty minutes of the JTV, but by then I was utterly confused.
But enough about me—MICHAEL’S CLEARED FOR SEX! WITH JANE! THE VIRGIN!
Let me not get ahead of myself. Jane kisses Michael goodbye and wishes him a good day back at work. He leaves; Jane closes the door and hears gunshots. She opens the door and she’s back at The Marbella, the night Michael got shot. As the Latin Lover Narrator notes, “It’s a nightmare about Jane’s worst nightmare:” losing Michael. Jane wakes up in the hospital by Michael’s bedside. He takes her hand and promises they’ll get through this together. Think that reassures Jane? Nope. A month later, she’s still having the same dream.
Finally, Michael’s about to be discharged! Jane’s going over physical therapy stretches Michael can do at home with the nurse AND trying to take care of Mateo. I’m overwhelmed just watching the scene. The nurse asks if Jane will have some help caring for Michael, and she says yes because Abuela is a home healthcare worker (LLN: “Oooh, so that’s what all those smocks were about.” lol). Jane says she and Michael are moving in with Abuela and Xo while he recovers. Michael and Jane kiss and Michael’s heart monitor goes nuts. The nurse says Michael’s going to have to keep his heart rate normal and for the next six weeks? NO SEX. (Michael: We can’t have sex? Nurse: Sir, you can barely move. Michael: She can. Jane smiles like the chaste freak we always knew she was! She is gonna turn somebody all the way out when she gets the chance!)
Jane leaves to prepare everything for Michael’s discharge. Rogelio stays with his BFF Michael at the hospital. Ro is having a conniption fit because Esteban is featured in an American magazine. Ro thinks the pee-PSA he made hurt his star power (“If you swap, urine trouble.” –I hope the JTV writers use Rogelio’s pee all season long!) Ro wants to be a crossover star so he can be as famous in America as he is in Mexico.
Xo opens the aforementioned magazine, sees Esteban’s article and cringes. Apparently, Esteban has been texting her nude Snapchats and trying to hook up again. Abuela opens the door to let Jane and Xo see the newly remodeled and repaired Villanueva house. The living room has been covered with the brightest yellow and cherry-patterned wallpaper known to man. Alba loves it, Xo hates it, and Jane equivocates. Abuela hands Xo a doctor’s bill. XO HAD A MEDICAL ABORTION! But Abuela doesn’t know that yet.
Rafael comes in. Jane tells him about Mateo’s tantrums. Raf tells her Mateo’s been acting out with him too, but he called the pediatrician who said Mateo’s routine is off and the poor baby is responding to that. Jane has a brief moment where she seems to be thinking, Oh, you just gonna call the doctor without consulting me? But she lets it go and they agree to check out a pre-school for Mateo.
Petra is supposed to cover for Rafael at a meeting so he can go to the pre-school, but Petra ain’t Petra (Real Petra’s been #Anezkatized!) and Anezka so does not have Petra’s business savvy. Turns out Magda and Anezka were going to blackmail Rafael about the insider trading deal his half-brother Derek tricked him into last season. Rafael turned himself in, so Anezka needs to keep pretending to be Petra to find some more dirt on Raf. The writers wrapped up the insider-trading thing right quick so I’m hoping this means we will never see Derek again. I was not a fan of him and his scarves. Meanwhile, Real Petra is back in the Marbella, #Petrafied and listening to everything.
Jane is in Michael’s hospital room and she’s helping him stretch when he tells her he’s thinking about going back to work. Jane is terrified. And she’s got a point—Sin Rostro kidnapped Mateo, shot Michael, and is still out there, ready to harm everyone Jane loves. They argue.
(Random aside: did you see the Charmin commercial about Charmin keeping your underwear so clean you can wear them a second day? What is this world coming to? Change your drawers, people!)
Michael and Jane are back in the Villanueva abode. Abuela and Xo wish them goodnight with a wink, wink, nudge nudge. Michael tells Jane he’d quit the police force if Jane insists, but suggests they wait and see how his recovery goes. Is it me, or does Michael seem a little like weak tea this season? I’m #TeamMichael, but Detective Cordero is not giving me the vapors like he did the last two seasons. Maybe it’s because he doesn’t really have anything to do other than recuperate; maybe it’s because Rafael’s shirts are so tight, but either way, I need the writers to bring back my swoon-worthy Michael.
(Oh, while I was waiting for the episode to drop on The CW app, I remembered this interview I read with JTV showrunner Jennie Snyder Urman over on TV Line’s website. When asked about the Latin Lover Narrator’s ominous words about Michael and Jane, “And for as long as Michael lived, until he drew his very last breath, he never did,” Snyder Urman said the LLN is “reliable.” In other words, Michael still might die. I hope they don’t make his character so inconsequential that no one cares if he dies. )
Jane vows to face her fears and get back to a routine. We see this in a montage of her day to day activities. Cut to Rogelio on the Tiago set saying, “Can I say, I hate montages? It’s a cheap ploy.” Dina reminds him it conveys the passage of time. Back to Jane and now Michael is taking cane-assisted steps! I love this show.
Xo suspects Abuela knows about the Estabortion. Michael, now firmly ensconced in the Villanueva household, offers some detectively advice to see if Abuela knows the truth. Jane goes off to meet Rafael at the pre-school. Xo and Michael remind her Rafael is still in love with her.
Scott catches Anezka snooping on Rafael’s computer. Anezka thinks What Would Petra Do (#WWPD) and ANEZKA SLEEPS WITH SCOTT, a.k.a “Vests.” Anezka and Scott immediately fall in love. Magda coaches Anezka from jail and reminds her to keep focused on taking Rafael down.
Ro and Esteban are up for a gig on American TV, but Ro is worried his accent might hurt him. Michael agrees to help him with his American accent.
Rafael thinks the Catholic pre-school Jane likes is too “jesus-y.” Turns out, he’s calling pediatricians and picking out pre-schools because RAFAEL SAYS HE IS FINALLY OVER JANE. He’s no longer trying to please her, so he is doing what makes Rafael happy. Girl, I guess. Rafael comes over to pick up Jane and Mateo for a pre-school visit and overhears Michael call Jane “Mom.” While they’re driving, Rafael, in friend mode, totally wants to talk about Jane’s sex life. Or lack of it. He laughs when he realizes Jane is a married virgin with a one-year-old child. Uh, no. This does not work for me. Jane’s wedding night was ruined when her husband almost died, she hasn’t been able to have sex with him for a month and a half while he recovers, and Rafael laughs? That doesn’t make it seem like he’s over Jane; that just makes him look like a douche. Jane thinks the school is too snobby for Mateo. Mateo bites a snooty lady’s son. Jane takes up for Mateo and tells the lady, “Bite me!” Turns out, Jane was wrong and Mr. Sweetface is biting people left and right.
Abuela is deeply hurt and very angry that Xo had an abortion. I find it refreshing how JTV has handled Xo’s abortion. They’ve treated simply as a safe, legal choice a woman may make at some time in her life. No judgement, no punishment, some pushback from Abuela, but it is entirely based on who that character is. Nice.
Michael turns Jane’s room into the Love Boat, hands her a margarita and suggests a romantic evening of googling why children bite. Sigh. I like Perfect Michael who says the right thing at the right time, but…like I said, this feels kinda bland. Like either they’re making Michael perfect so they can kill him off or they are taking one of my favorite characters and watering him down to a broth. Turns out Mateo is biting because his life’s been turned upside down. And Jane realizes she’s been snapping at everyone because she needs her life to be settled. She and Michael low key agree that Michael will go back to work and they will get through it together.
Rogelio comforts Xo about her choice. He also works on his American accent. Is it me, or does ROGELIO’S ACCENT SOUND LIKE BILL CLINTON? Please, please, please let Rogelio land an American TV show as the first Latino president! Ro wants to crossover American TV because the people he loves are in America. Awww.
Jane and Rafael visit another pre-school, a new-age, hippie one. Jane finds out Rafael thought about making a large donation to sweep the biting incident under the rug at the snooty school. They get into a fight and the teacher makes them sit in the “Compassion Corner.” Rafael admits that he likes making his own decisions and this is a new dynamic. Jane agrees. The pre-school teacher also offers good advice about Mateo’s biting; she suggests modeling good behavior by comforting the victim of Mateo’s chompers. Jane and Raf choose the hippie pre-school.
Back home, Mateo bites Michael, Jane “comforts” Michael, and Michael breaks down for real. He realizes how close he came to death. Jane promises they’ll get through it together. Oh god, Michael is so gonna die.
Rafael almost catches Anezka snooping through his computer, but she diverts his attention by telling him her love-puppy, Scott, is in the bedroom. Rafael is beginning to suspect something is off, but the shock of naked Scott throws him off.
Ro loses the part to Esteban and Xo comforts him. Like Rafael and Jane, these two are becoming real friends. Ro goes off to shoot a Statue of Liberty scene and is inspired to bring a telenovela to American audiences. Hmm…Ugly Betty, JTV—it just might work!
Abuela is ripping the ugly wallpaper off the wall. Somehow, this brings XO and Alba together and Jane joins the two of them to rip off the ugly cherry wallpaper.
PETRA IS WATCHING ANEZKA MAKE PEOPLE THINK SHE IS SLEEPING WITH SCOTT. This is a hell Petra never could have imagined. Scott and Anezka-as-Petra join forces to take down Rafael and there is an incredible shot of the two of them kissing reflected in petrified Petra’s eyes, the only body part she can still move. I can’t wait for her to get out of this mess. She is going to beat Anezka with Scott’s cold, dead body.
Ok, now: MICHAEL IS CLEARED TO HAVE SEX! The newlyweds run out to HAVE SEX!!!!!
Of course, the previews show some obstacles to getting to the bedroom.
I give this eppy a B+. I liked that it got back to the normal, non-tragic, plot-driven JTV rhythm, but I feel like they were still tying up a lot of things from last season (insider trading, Raf’s feelings for Jane, the Estabortion, the return to the house). This might be because this is my first time watching JTV week to week; I binged the first two seasons on Netflix. The wait between episodes sometimes makes one episode feel like not enough. Hopefully next week we’ll be firmly in Season 3 and free to be surprised and shocked and delighted.
To Be Continued…
Ps. Please like, share and comment below, be the first to start the discussion.