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The Vampire Diaries 805 Recap "Coming Home Was a Mistake" #TVD

This week begins with a series of phone calls, and you kind of have to pity Matt Donovan. Not only is he the bearer of sad news, but every single one of his friends looks at their phone, sees his name, and instantly looks unhappy about it. They probably realize he wouldn’t be back in their lives all of a sudden just to say hi, but still, he might feel a little unwelcome if he saw their reactions! Anyway, he is letting them know about Tyler, so we start with everyone in mourning. 

Which means a funeral, sparsely attended though it is. Tyler’s entire family died off in the first several seasons, and he’s spent the last year or so hanging out with the recently deceased crazypants Virginia St. John, tracking Sirens. So, there aren’t a lot of folks left to mourn him. The sad little procession files into the empty cemetery, only to find a whole row of open graves. Decidedly ominous! That’s Damon’s cue, of course.

Please hate me, says Damon, in his every word and deed this season.

Please hate me, says Damon, in his every word and deed this season.

Damon is still on his please-hate-me quest, so he shows up and grabs poor Matt by the throat, then forces him to drink vampire blood so that he will have to live the next 24 hours or so in even greater terror of death than usual, because for Matt, the only fate worse than death is vampirism. Damon even snarls at Ric, which is so painful, because the Damon/Alaric bromance is one of the greatest stories of TVD. 

In the aftermath of the funeral terror display, the Armory is apparently completely unguarded, because Damon walks right in and has a chat with Sibyl. He’s bent out of shape about feeling compelled to serve her when he knows he doesn’t want to because he doesn't even like her. More talk about hell and how he’s going there, which is kind of becoming like aural wallpaper this season–it’s like the moonstone in S2. I hope it’s similarly misleading/misunderstood, because the literal interpretation, wherein all the characters we have come to love are just doomed, sucks.

Still in thrall to a monster, unable to even enjoy a carnival properly. 

Still in thrall to a monster, unable to even enjoy a carnival properly. 

Not present at the funeral: Bonnie and Enzo. They’re still at the cabin, where she is trying to get him to flip his switch. He’s being so cruel, teasing her with how much he’d love to go on a romantic vacation with her, reminiscing about their times together in a mocking fashion. She explains the magical object she’s using to hold him in the cabin: It’s a candle that can only be extinguished by the person who lit it, and it creates a barrier that only humans can pass through, so any non-human is trapped.

Despondent at the abusive relationship dynamic she’s trying to cure, Bonnie calls Caroline to find out what finally got her to flip her switch when she’d been on her break from humanity. Caroline explains that it was psychological, that she had to be forced to confront deep fears. Bonnie has a plan. She knows Enzo better than anyone, and she understands that his issues all spring from a fear of abandonment because he has been abandoned over and over throughout his incredibly long life. 

She sets the whole cabin on fire, with the both of them inside. She knows he would eventually burn to death, but she would die before his eyes long before that. She knows he can’t escape because of the candle, just as he knows she could walk right out and save herself. He watches her crumple to the ground, overcome by smoke inhalation, refusing to leave him, even if it kills her. It’s enough. He turns the switch back on and pushes her outside to safety. He, of course, still can’t get out.

When she comes to, she sees him in the doorway, calmly waiting to burn, just happy that she’ll survive. Um, to hell with that, she says, rushing back in to extinguish the candle. They’re free, they’re together, and we’ve got something to be happy about again. Good thing, too, because this has been getting depressing.

This brings us to the Sirens. Sibyl’s still in jail, but Alaric has instructed his surviving intern to bang the pitchfork once an hour…he won’t tell the poor kid anything about why, of course. This is never a good idea. If not following through on a mysterious assignment would lead to something terrible, you can’t play coy. This is a thing anyone who watches shows like TVD knows, but the people on shows like TVD never seem to realize. The poor kid gets a call from the cops about finding Georgie’s body, and he rushes out, leaving the bell unrung. Sibyl is once again able to think clearly and use her powers, and she wastes no time busting loose and stealing the pitchfork on her way out.

You see, this is why you tell your intern they’re helping to imprison an evil, deadly creature.

You see, this is why you tell your intern they’re helping to imprison an evil, deadly creature.

Seline, meanwhile, has continued to be the best hot nanny ever, generously offering to keep the girls with her all day while Ric attends Tyler’s funeral. She takes them to a carnival, which seems largely pointless, despite her making kind of a big deal of it. Anyway, she gets them a dead goldfish at the ring-toss booth, and she builds a creepy pyre for a fish funeral. She tells them about spirits being carried off after death and bodies being left behind but still important in their own ways (she doesn’t explain that she means lunch). She tells them about Cade like he’s Santa Claus, and she has them help her burn the pyre, encouraging them to siphon her. Of course, Georgie’s under the pyre, so she's just made a couple of toddlers accessories after the fact to a murder. So...not exactly the best hot nanny ever.

Also at the carnival, Damon has called for Stefan. They have another unpleasant conversation, and fortunately, Caroline ignored Stefan’s broody-pants I-must-do-this-alone noise; she shows up just in time to save the day. Damon is vervained and chained. Stefan locks him away in the family crypt. This lasts all of a few minutes because Sibyl heads straight there to wake him up and re-conscript him.

The gang hangs out at the carnival, having a pseudo-memorial service for Tyler, this time with Enzo and Bonnie in attendance. They reminisce, and it’s really nice. Matt and Caroline get to talking, and she’s the proud mom, showing off pictures of the twins. Matt was the recipient of Tyler’s personal effects, though, so he recognizes Seline as the Siren Tyler and Virginia had been hunting. He tells Caroline who the hot nanny really is, and she and Ric rush home…but the girls are gone. There’s a creepy drawing of Seline and Cade as mommy and daddy.

Are you loving the Sirens story, or do you want to see their asses kicked into oblivion as much as I do? Start the discussion below!