Jane The Virgin, Chapter 49: The B*tch Is Back! #JTV
The B*tch is Back!
OMG, I wasn’t able to watch JTV last night, but I caught it on the CW app this morning and, good lord was it good! Let’s get to it!
Young Jane Villanueva begs Abuela to allow her to go to DisneyWorld with Lina, promising to get her homework done in advance. It turns out; Xo had already given Young Jane permission; this flashback was about Jane’s need for Abuela’s approval.
Grown-up Jane is right where we left her last episode, in Rafael’s office and she and Raf are trying to figure out if their suspicions about Petra-not-Petra are true. Jane thinks the ol’ twin switcheroo theory would explain a lot of bizarre behavior from Petra, but Rafael, who’s being blackmailed by Petranezka, doesn’t want to make things worse if they’re wrong. Later, at Chez Cordero, Michael suggests Jane and Raf get more evidence and tosses Rafael a nanny-cam in a bear for surveillance. Michael winces at the effort of tossing a five pound stuffed animal, and Rafael invites him to come to the Marbella gym to get back in shape for his police physical. MICHAEL AND RAFAEL SITTIN’ IN A TREE, er, Michael and Raf make a workout date, which makes Jane really happy.
At Abuela’s house, the Villanueva women are making preparations for Xo’s dance students’ last recital ever. Jane really wants Abuela’s sister’s letters. Abuela eventually gives in and lets Jane have the letters, because, as Alba tells Xo, Jane has never broken her trust.
Rafael gives Petra-not-Petra, flanked by Scotty Mc Vests and the twins, his shares of the Marbella, and then sets up the nanny cam bear in Petranezka’s suite and waits for her to slip up.
Michael is waaay too sensitive about his man-date with Rafael, and Jane dives into Abuela’s letters. She discovers she’s got a huge family and, even though she knows she shouldn’t, she starts googling them.
Speaking of bromances, Rogelio is falling fast for Rafael and his flawless, poreless skin. Rafael has set Ro up with a producer friend, but Ro blows it by googling the wrong guy. Rogelio confesses he saw Estaban’s Hawaii-5-0 promo and, now more than ever, he really wants to make it in the American entertainment biz. Rafael promises to help.
Xo considers becoming a real estate agent and this idea mercifully fades into the ether—the woman doesn’t have a car! What’s she going to do, drive her clients around on the bus? — when Alba gets a call from her sister. She is beyond angry and calls Jane, who promised not to contact the Venezuela Villanuevas. Jane swears she didn’t call Abuela’s sister, but admits she did contribute to one of her cousin’s GoFundMe. ABUELA HANGS UP ON JANE. Jane’s really stepped in it this time. Jane tries to talk to Abuela at the Marbella gift shop, but Abuela hangs the CLOSED sign up before Jane can enter. Jane asks Xo to talk to Abuela for her.
The JTVWriters must have known the first couple of season three eps were Rafael Solano-lite, because Michael and Rafael’s Man-Date at the gym is ALL ABOUT RAFAEL’S CHEST. And his arms. And his lats. Rafael is wearing this barely-there blue muscle shirt and he pump, pump, pumps iron the whole scene. I’m sure Michael was in it, but I didn’t notice. Seriously, Justin Baldoni, thanks for not eating carbs so you could film this scene. Very much appreciated.
Michael forgets his sweatshirt in the gym. He goes back to get it when he sees Rafael hooking up with someone who’s wearing a wedding ring. Michael goes home and tells Jane Rafael is a player. Was it me or was there a little tinge of something on Jane’s face when Michael told her Rafael was flirting with women in the gym?
Rogelio’s penis. Um. Rogelio has an audition for an indie film and he wants to make sure Jane is okay with him doing full frontal nudity. Uh, yeah.
Rafael watches the live feed from the nanny-cam and catches Petranezka saying she’s going to kill someone. He rushes down to stop her! The paralytic wears off and the real Petra starts moving! Rafael asks #Petrafied Petra who she is! Just when it looks like the jig is up and Rafael has figured out the twin switch, REAL PETRA SAYS SHE IS ANEZKA! OMG, I mean, accent and all! I was waiting for Petra to wake up, because I knew she was going to be really angry and, consequently, lots of fun; but this is off the chain! If you thought Real Petra was becoming a softie, this puts Petra firmly back in the villain category. (And Yael Grobglas is just delightful. Did you see her last week on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend? Such a talent.) Once Rafael leaves, Real Petra starts running the show. She wants those shares Anezka blackmailed Rafael to get. She demands Anezka break up with Scott. Anezka is not ready for it.
Rafael tells Jane that he was wrong about Petra (BUT HE WASN’T!!!) and that he thinks Michael is “judge-y.” Jane thinks he’s talking about the married woman Michael saw Rafael with, but Rafael was talking about Michael’s commentary on Raf’s work out. Turns out, Raf wasn’t hitting on some random women; he was trying to get Rogelio and audition. (Why he had to hug the woman at the gym to do it, I don’t know.)
Jane gets a message from Alba’s sister’s granddaughter (Jane’s second cousin, right?). Her name is Catalina and she’s has a British accent. (Oh, I think I know where this is going.) They hit it off and eventually skype. The next day, Jane goes to the Marbella gift shop to apologize and tell Abuela about Catalina and to let Abuela know she’s going to keep in contact with her new found fam. Abuela is upset because her sister’s hijinks led to the family ostracizing her and Abuela’s mother dying without ever speaking to her again. And then some money gets stolen. But it’s just to break the tension. Jane finds it later.
REAL PETRA IS LIT! Raf calls her and before he gets a word out she asks if he has her money and hangs up before he can answer. She commands Anezka to go break up with Scott, who is in the hotel’s breakroom with Jane crying about Petranezka. He thinks Petranezka is going to break up with him. He thought #Scetra was forever.
All Jane’s men (Ro, Raf, Michael, and Mateo) are cruising in the car. Michael apologizes to Raf for assuming he was sexing the gym lady when Rogelio tells Michael that that is exactly what Raf was doing! Last week, Ro pimped Raf out to Jayne Seymour and I guess now Raf is pimping himself out to help Rogelio’s career—I guess, Ro and Raf are getting raunchy: full frontal, quid pro quo quickies—I love it! Rogelio agent calls and he realizes he’s supposed to be at the audition today. He does a quick U-turn and gets a flat tire. Raf, Ro, and Michael change the tire and call an Uber. Ro freaks out when he realizes his shirt is covered in tire grease and that is when God put a blessing on my television set that changed my life forever. RAFAEL TAKES HIS SHIRT OFF. In slow motion. And then just walks around with his abs all abby and his pecs all pecc-y. Looking like you could just pour some hot caramel and walnuts and whipped cream all over him and just….I digress. Raf gives his shirt to Ro. The entire neighborhood acknowledges that Raf is a hot piece.
Petra waits to hear that Anezka has properly gotten rid of Scott; instead Anezka has accepted Scott’s proposal. Petra says she will break up with Scott herself. She tries to, but Scott cuts her off and tells her he’s found a buyer for the hotel, a French man. Petra, always looking for a sugar daddy, asks to meet him. She has to kiss Scott.
Rafael and Michael temporarily lose Mateo. When they find him, they realize they have something in common, they both love Mateo. Awww. They hash it out. Michael never forgave Raf for making moves on Jane while she was engaged. Raf explains that his cancer is why he’s so into health and fitness and he’s not just a shallow playboy. Michael (I am #TeamMichael, you know) says “I’m a dick.” LOL. A guy who makes you laugh will always beat a good-looking man. They discover they both like soccer.
They get Rogelio to the audition and he gets the part. He’s totally going to Michael Fassbinder his way into American cinema. On the studio lot, Michael sees a movie poster and figures out that Elena’s biblical references are really the number to the bank account where she hid the Mutter Money.
Xo has her last dance recital for her students. Everyone keeps reminding her that it is her last recital. JTV spares us the actual recital (they’re only cute if they’re your kids) and instead shows us a dream sequence with Jane, Abuela, and Rogelio doing a “Beauty School Drop Out-like” song urging Xo to open a dance school. EVERY VILLANUEVA (& RO) IS A TRIPLE THREAT. Serious, they all dance and sing so well. I would totally by a Gina Rodriguez album. Xo decides to do it and she is super happy. Yay!
Petra meets the Frenchman and then breaks up with Scott (rather convincingly, I might add). I would love it if Petra actually fell in love with Scott and Petra and Anezka fought over him. Oh, that would be great. Seriously.
Jane tells Abuela she’s keeping in touch with her cousin. That’s good because when Jane gets home, CATALINA IS WAITING ON HER DOORSTEP!
Ro’s agents remind him he has a morality clause and they only let him out of it if he does something for them.
PETRA MAKES ANEZKA TATTOO HER FOREHEAD! With “Not Petra.” She says, “Oh shut up, you’ll grow bangs.” Scream! I died. I died! Petra then marches into Raf’s office and tells him he is the one leaving. Then she menacingly whispers in his ear, telling him that he was right about the twin switch and she heard everything! Every. Single. Thing. Guuurrrl, my blood ran cold!
I give this episode an A+. Petra all day! I loved that she finally got out of that locked-in state and I absolutely loved that it was not the end of one arc, but the beginning of an even bigger, bitchier one. PETRA WAS MAKING MOVES WHILE SHE WAS PARALYZED! This episode highlights Anezka’s bond with the twins (she can tell them apart; Petra lets Anezka stay because the twins are attached to her) to help us understand Petra’s anger at Rafael for unwittingly suggesting Petra was missing “the mom gene.” Whatever Petra’s journey is, I AM HERE FOR IT.
I love Michael and Jane and I like them in this comfortable place; not quite normal, but getting there. If it’s not a rollercoaster ride, that’s okay; Jane’s the heart of the show, and it doesn’t have to be fireworks all the time. And I’m eager to see what Jane’s extended family brings to her story. I think Catalina should fall in lust and stay in Miami for a while. Mm hm.
I’d like Rogelio to Rogelio a little more. It’s like he’s wearing peach.
Shirtless Rafael. That put the + in “A+.”
To Be Continued…
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